BIGGIE'S PLACE

TWELVE INSTAGRAM/INTERNET FAMOUS BABES

–Demi Bagby [@demibagby] – She’s one of the few internet stars whose constant smiling and positivity feels 100% real. People like this typically annoy the shit out of me, but I make an exception for this tiny dynamo, because most of her little videos feature some fairly impressive physical feats. She’s mastered the ‘street gymnastics’ subgenre. I would love to see her become a Hollywood stuntwoman or an action star if she has any acting skill. Plus, she’s got an inspirational backstory (she broke her back in a cheerleading accident several years ago but is now stronger than ever- literally and figuratively). Finally, I respect the fact that despite looking good at all times, she doesn’t ever deliberately sexualize herself. Not that doing so is bad (feminism!), but it’s nice to see someone taking a different approach. She may sex it up as she gets older, but for now it’s cool that she’s perfectly happy just being inspirational. Pretty smart for someone that young.

–Alexis Bumgarner [@alexisbumgarner] – I randomly stumbled upon this North Carolina native’s page a few years ago, and have not regretted it. She’s a stunner.

–Alex Cooper [@alexandracooper] – Easily the biggest female star at Barstool Sports. I’ve listened to Call Her Daddy a few times (it’s THE most popular podcast for her demographic by a wide margin, which makes her a true “influencer”), and that was a few times too many. It was just too much. Take a breath, girls. She is the reigning queen of white girls in their 20’s on social media, and as such wields tremendous power. I respect her work ethic (which was revealed in the recent public drama that caused the show’s two hosts to split), and any girl this hot and this honest and open about their sexual exploits is a-okay in my book.

–Abby Dowse [@abbydowse] – An Australian babe who gets paid god-knows-what by sponsors to sit in her house and at the pool and take photos in various bikinis, lingerie and high heels/boots (seriously, how much fucking money does Fashion Nova spend on Instagram?). What a world. Rarely have fake tits delivered this much ROI. She also might have the world’s best tan.

–Jena Frumes [@jenafrumes] – One of the sexiest mixed-race girls on the internet, she’s got the skin of a goddess, bright blue-hazel eyes (they seem to be a different color depending on the photo), and an infectious smile that will still your beating heart. Like Demi Bagby, it’s hard to hate on her positive outlook, because it feels genuine. She’s dated Antonio Brown, Nick Cannon and is currently with Jason Derulo, so she definitely has a type. It seems if you ain’t famous, she ain’t interested.

–Iryna Ivanova [@playmateiryna] – She doesn’t speak or write English very well, but she has absolutely mastered certain poses in certain outfits and is sex appeal personified. If someone in Russia designed a sex doll and brought it to life, she might be the result. And I’m not eliminating the possibility that’s what actually happened.

–Ariana James [@ariana] – This Colombian is one of the hottest fitness chicks on Instagram, and one of the first I started following several years ago.

–Nastya Nass [@nastya_nass_] – Since twerking is now a viable career option, I felt I had to single out perhaps the best in the game. So here’s a compilation of her shaking her ass for an hour: FOLLOW LINK, video won’t embed because it’s age restricted.

Apparently, she’s a Ukrainian native, which I would never have guessed. If I weren’t a dope, I suppose the name ‘Nastya’ would’ve given away some kind of Eastern European heritage. That doesn’t shock me now that I know, because there are actually quite a few Russian twerkers with big followings. And if the question is Biggie, why the hell do you know that?, the answer is mind your own business.

–Jen Selter [@jenselter] – She’s not the most popular ass queen anymore, but she is one of the O.G.’s of ass-for-profit and fitness-for-profit on social media. She’s only 27 this year, which tells you what O.G. means in this particular field. Deliberately showing off your ass in public places during a workout even has a nickname, “Seltering”, because of course it does. She specializes in wearing bright, colorful leggings and shoes. The only thing that’s unappealing about her is how she sets a lot of her photos in her hugely expensive Manhattan highrise apartment. I think her family was rich before she blew up, but if not she’s definitely earning and spending big money now. She’s in the Hamptons! She’s in Greece! She’s in Bali! You’re not!

–Ashley Schultz [@ashxschultz] – A smoking hot New England native who’s also an aspiring pop star. She’s got a bunch of songs and videos on YouTube if you wanna check her out. Pretty generic stuff, but better than the musical efforts of several other people on this list. Like a lot of these girls, the only thing her account tells you about her is that she’s attractive, she likes to dance, and that she doesn’t like appearing in photos with other human beings.

–Jean Watts [@jean_watts] – Another smokeshow who wants to be a pop star. A pretty face (one of the absolute prettiest you’ll see) and the ability to competently sing is not enough to make meaningful music, my friends. She’ll promote her music on her page, and she posts little 3-second video clips all the time just looking at her phone, but in none of them does she ever speak. Instagram is fucking weird, man.

This is weird, isn’t it? I’m not being crazy?

“Vera Bambi” [@verabambilive] – Next to the Fitness and Ass Industry (the FAI), the Cosplayer Worship Industry (CWI) is one of the biggest niche markets women can use to make a living on the internet. Vera is an excellent cosplayer who also does lingerie and cam modeling on the side. She uses Patreon to make an absolute killing (from what I can tell), selling cosplay and risque photos and videos that are only available for a limited time and only if you subscribe to the right tier ($$$). She’s also got an OnlyFans page (for phone-shot content only), a decent-sized YouTube channel and a website peddling all sorts of merch. Respect the game. She may be the hardest-working woman on the internet. I can state with confidence that there isn’t anybody else on this list, celebrity or not, who protects their image more than this Toronto native. I can’t even find her real name, which is extremely hard to keep secret for someone with almost a million followers across all her platforms. It’s pretty impressive how well she protects her identity. Either she or somebody who works for her does excellent work policing the internet for any leaks of the content she shares to those who pay for it. I’ll probably get sued just for mentioning her here. But yeah, she’s blazing hot, and I can say I’ve been admiring her for probably 6 or 7 years, long before she became internet famous (and before the fake boobs).

I do wonder what girls like this are gonna do once they’ve “aged out” of making money off their bodies. I know, that’s sexist in some way.

You may be wondering, dude where are the hot e-girls?! Sorry, no simping for me (the word ‘simp’ never ceases to make me giggle). Thankfully, I’m older than the target market for the streamer world. Old enough that I struggle to think of a scenario where I would want to watch someone else play video games for as long as I could play them myself or watch a movie or some TV episodes instead. I don’t care how good or entertaining they are. I don’t watch Twitch. I don’t care about e-sports. If I want to see a scantily clad chick do something on her webcam, it wouldn’t be sitting in a chair wearing a big headset while playing Minecraft. Ya catch my drift? But again, I realize this is not the attitude of a lot of people under 25, who can’t get enough of watching a girl with a low-cut top sitting in her chair giggling.

And why not…

FIVE PORN STARS

–Tori Black [@real.miss.tori.black] – Simply the most naturally beautiful “adult entertainer” perhaps ever. If you never saw her work, you’d think she must be too pretty for porn. If you have seen her in action, you know she’s doing exactly what she ought to be doing. She’s been my favorite porn actress since coming onto the scene more than a decade ago and looks just as good now in her early 30’s as she did when she was 22. Better even. I’ve listened to a couple podcast interviews with her and she’s also incredibly smart and well-spoken, which is a double-plus.

–Kimmy Granger [@strangerthangranger] – I have a soft spot for white girls who know how to throw their ass around, and this petite babe can create a category 5 twerk storm at any moment. She’s adorable and is pretty funny on social media, too.

–Eliza Ibarra [@eliza22ibarra_] – Eliza is the perfect addiction for the long legs crowd. Not as well known yet, but that’s sure to change if she stays in the industry. She’s super cute and a monster in bed. Yes, please.

(I wanted to include a GIF of her, but there aren’t any that aren’t actually porn)

–Alina Lopez [@itsalinalopezofficial] – If I were able to design a perfect sexual partner, Alina Lopez would probably be what rolled off the factory floor. A pretty Latina who can shake it, do splits, and has a tongue for the ages. And to think she grew up a Mormon.

–Amia Miley [@msfashkilla] – Her squeaky voice is a turn-off, but she’s smart and has the best ‘fit girl’ body in porn. It’s okay. We don’t have to talk.

That’s all she wrote! I hope you at least enjoyed the visual stimulation if not my writing. Let me tell you, it’s not easy to find this many ways to describe attractive women. At least not for one person. If this were one of those Maxim/FHM magazine lists from the early 2000’s, there’d be 5-10 people contributing to the writing. If I was repetitive at any point, cut me some slack. This will probably be the last time I do this list. If I did it again another 5 years from now, I could probably be arrested. Really I only did it this last time to keep the writing tools sharp. I think it’s pretty clear that there’s never been a better time to be a fan of beautiful women.