Listed in A-B-C order, with their name, what age they are/will be in 2020, and what they’re best known for. And since Instagram rules the world at the moment, I’ve got each of their accounts linked if you want to see more. Feast your eyes. Respectfully, of course.

1. Jessica CHASTAIN (age 43, actress: The Help, Zero Dark Thirty, The Martian, Miss Sloane, Molly’s Game, It: Chapter Two)

Because of Jodie Foster’s inactivity in recent years, Ms. Chastain has officially claimed the title of my favorite actress. She’s won my Best Actress award twice (for Zero Dark Thirty and Miss Sloane), and been nominated multiple other times. I don’t think there’s anything she can’t do onscreen, and she picks great material, which is an underrated skill. I don’t often say this, but I find her voice very attractive, too. She can be hot, beautiful, cute, funny, grungy – whatever is required. She sometimes drifts into hardcore modern feminist mode and has said some shit I couldn’t believe, but *takes deep breath* I won’t hold it against her.

Instagram: @jessicachastain

2. Jade CHYNOWETH (age 22, dancer/actress)

The way she expresses herself emotionally through her dancing, it’s stunning to me that she hasn’t landed any big acting roles yet. Is it not translating when she auditions? Why? I’d love to see her act more, but for now, she is a fucking wizard on the dance floor. I don’t understand how the human body moves that fast with that much purpose. She’s got an adorable face and the kind of toned body I go gaga for. Now let’s get her some more prominent acting gigs.

Instagram: @jadebug98

3. Alexandra DADDARIO (age 34, actress: Texas Chainsaw 3D, True Detective, San Andreas, Baywatch)

Still possesses the most incredible pair of eyes I’ve ever seen; this magical mix of blue and gray that seems like a visual effect. Since last I made this list in 2014, she also did one of the most infamous nude scenes in recent memory during the first season of HBO’s True Detective. You remember it. Yes, you do. Other than that, she’s been in a string of mediocre movies that haven’t moved the needle at all on her star power or acting potential. She’s yet to appear in an above-average movie, let alone a really good one. I’m starting to fear that she’ll never get a film role that will allow her to show her true talent. That, or she’s tried to get those roles and isn’t worthy of them. I’d like to see her at least get a shot at something of substance. She seems to be pretty funny in real life, so why can’t we at least get her in a good comedy?

Instagram: @alexandradaddario

4. Nikki GLASER (age 36, comedian)

She’s a dirty, dirty girl. And I love it. I think she’s probably my favorite stand-up comic right now, male or female. If you haven’t seen her stuff, go on Netflix and dig in. She’s got one special (which was a fuckin riot) plus a short 15-minute appearance on The Degenerates, which is a compilation show that features several comics each doing short sets. There’s also plenty of her stuff available on YouTube. She inserts exactly zero feminist propaganda into her material, unlike Netflix star Iliza Schlesinger, who used to be funny, but now uses her specials to promote girl power and preach to men. All the more reason I respect Nikki in addition to finding her hilarious…she’s funny to men and women alike without having to remind you that she’s a woman being funny. She just is funny. And any woman who talks about blowjobs this enthusiastically has to be a keeper, amirite?

Instagram: @nikkiglaser

She may be at her best on Comedy Central’s roasts:


5. Roxy HORNER (age 29, model)

Simply one of the most beautiful women alive. Not much more to say than that, mostly because I know next to nothing about her. I have a soft spot for beautiful British women, and she checks both those boxes. I’m also not usually into supermodels, but fuck.

Instagram: @roxyhorner

6. Anya TAYLOR-JOY (age 24, actress: The VVitch, Split, Morgan, Emma.)

She’s got big, brown eyes that stare right into your soul. Really, she is for brown eyes what Alexandra Daddario is for blue eyes. Someone should create a celebrity staring contest game show so the two of them can go head-to-head in a heavyweight title fight. I need to see more of her work to know how good an actress she is, but I like what I’ve seen so far.

Instagram: @anyataylorjoy

7. Vanessa KIRBY (age 32, actress: The Crown, Mission: Impossible- Fallout, Hobbs & Shaw)

Another British import, except she’s got the acting chops to go along with her beauty. Because Brit actresses often get great roles, I have no doubt we’ll be seeing her prominently in quality films for years to come. She’s shown how good she can be in drama (The Crown) and that she can handle action and physicality (Mission: Impossible- Fallout, Hobbs and Shaw). I like to call that “the total package” (trademarked).

Instagram: @vanessa__kirby

8. Brie LARSON (age 31, actress: Short Term 12, The Gambler, Room, Kong: Skull Island, Captain Marvel)

She’s caught a LOT of flack for her very outspoken woke beliefs, and honestly, she’s deserved most of it. Those who criticize people like her are often dismissed out of hand, which is the preferred tactic of the worst feminists. After all, arguing a counterpoint is beneath them and ‘legitimizes’ the opposing view. Anyway, I’ve always liked her as an actress (she’s one of the very best of her generation) and most importantly, she has good taste in material. She’s kinda cute, too.

If you wanna see some truly awkward tension between men and women, go on YouTube and look up some of the clips of her at various Marvel press events. Unfortunately, she plays the most overpowered hero in the MCU, Captain Marvel (who apparently will never actually be called Captain Marvel in these movies), and people who have the audacity to say the character is overpowered and uninteresting are the ENEMY. I don’t know who the hell the villain would be in Captain Marvel 2, but I really need to see this character struggle just a little bit.

Instagram: @brielarson

9. Veronica MACEDO (age 25, MMA fighter)

This is a strange one, most notably because I don’t give a single fuck about UFC or MMA in general. I was in a restaurant somewhere (before COVID-19 canceled that concept), and amidst the dozens of TVs around the room above the bar, several of them were on a UFC card, and a fight between the Venezuelan Macedo and some other lady (Bea Melicki, a Swedish fighter who towered over Macedo) was about to start. For whatever reason I could not take my eyes off this girl, from the locker room all the way down the aisle and into the ring, I was mesmerized. She was absolutely gorgeous, had beautiful eyes, smiled a lot (I like when UFC fighters dispense with the serious-faced macho crap). She ended up losing that fight by decision (thankfully she didn’t get too roughed up), but won my heart by knockout. And yes, I did just say that.

I submit.

And those incredible green eyes. Good lord. Turns out there are a lot of MMA hot girls. Here’s Macedo’s opponent from that fight, Bea Malecki:

Instagram: @veronicamacedomma

10. Stormi MAYA (age 25, actress/model/musician)

She’s barely a celebrity, but goddammit this is my list so I make the rules. I’ll admit, she’s here mostly because she’s incredibly hot. When I look at her, I think ‘yup, sex’. And that’s fine. That’s exactly what she wants! She makes money selling nudes on OnlyFans and is making a good living from showing off her body. I don’t begrudge that one bit. Get it in while you’re young. She’s a beautiful black woman who’s built a large internet fanbase. That’s not easy for anyone to do. She hasn’t done enough acting for me to know if she’s good or not (she had a bit part in Hustlers as one of J-Lo‘s crew, but I don’t know that she had more than 2 lines of dialogue), and her music (she’s another former stripper trying to dabble in rapping) is terrible. Truly awful. It cannot be understated how bad her music is. Okay, I’ll stop. If this list were ordered preferentially by who I’d most want to be seduced by, she’d be in the top 3.

Instagram: @stormimaya

11. Rachel MCADAMS (age 42, actress: The Notebook, Mean Girls, Wedding Crashers, The Lucky Ones, State of Play, Sherlock Holmes, Spotlight, True Detective: season 2)

Now here’s a woman who likes to lay low. I’ll never understand why she wasn’t a bigger star. She’s done so much good work in so many good movies but never gotten the respect she deserves. She’s been in about one movie a year the last 5 years, but nothing that’s broken out except for Spotlight, which of course won the Best Picture Oscar. Very few actors, male or female, are able to go back and forth between comedy and drama as easily and convincingly as she does. Do more stuff, Rachel!

She’s got no official Instagram page. No social media presence whatsoever, really. Good for her. I respect that she doesn’t need the attention away from her work. She’s one of only two women on this list who isn’t on social media.

12. Olivia MUNN (age 40, actress: The Newsroom, X-Men: Apocalypse, The Predator, Ocean’s Eight)

Like a lot of beautiful actresses I highlight, she’s got a lot more talent than the movies she’s been in. Very few female actors have this much sex appeal while still being skilled at both drama and comedy. She got some of Aaron Sorkin‘s juiciest material on The Newsroom and handled it brilliantly. She looked great as the first cinematic incarnation of Psylocke, but was completely wasted in the role in one of the sloppiest comic book flicks ever made (X-Men: Apocalypse). I’ll forgive the fact she dated Aaron Rodgers.

Instagram: @oliviamunn

13. Aubrey PLAZA (age 36, actress: Parks and Recreation, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates)

Aubrey Plaza is another comedic actor who is able to be really funny just by being herself. I haven’t seen a single episode of Parks and Rec, but obviously it’s received nearly universal critical praise over the years. I rarely get into scripted comedy on TV, so it’s not her fault. But she was fantastic in Mike and Dave, and she deserves more leading roles. More than perhaps anyone on this list, I feel like she and I would get along.

Instagram: @plazadeaubrey

Here’s a hilarious montage of Plaza being awkward and random during various interviews:

Click to page 3 to continue…


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