BIGGIE'S PLACE

I’m tired of coming up with semi-clever titles for my Sunday posts, so from now on anytime I do an entry on Sunday that covers a wide range of subjects, it’ll just be put in the new Sunday, Sunday Sunday series. If you don’t get the triple Sunday reference, this kind of ad should refresh your memory:

Here are the random things that I dwelled on this week:

-So another Middle Eastern country (Libya) is in a state of unrest, and of course the oil companies (or whoever the fuck is responsible) has used it as an excuse to once again ass rape us at the pumps. I could do a 1,000-word, expletive filled rant on the price of oil, but I’ll spare you, and I’ll spare myself the brain hemorrhage that would result from thinking about it for too long. Suffice to say, when it comes to the news or politics or however you want to categorize it, the asinine reasons the price of oil goes up and down is #1 on the list of things that can piss me off the fastest. Some motherfucker sneezes in the Iranian desert, and somehow that means I should pay more for gas in South Carolina. Go figure.

But that’s not what I’m getting at this time. I saw THIS article linked on Drudge on Thursday and could do nothing but shake my head and clench my fists. The headline reads, “Obama Says Pentagon exploring Libya options.” My initial reaction was, “Why?” Why are we exploring ANY military options with regards to civil unrest in Libya? Why should one American life be put in harm’s way to stop Libyans from harming each other? Hello? Bueller? I simply do not understand this thinking. We have no money to spare at home, but to help mediate and ease tensions abroad, we’ll not only put our manpower in harm’s way, but we’ll continue paying for it all with our Monopoly money, because if it’s military spending, there is apparently no limit to what we should be willing to borrow.

What good can come from trying to solve Libya’s problems? The world will be thankful? Bullshit. The majority of the world holds a negative opinion of us, most of the time for doing exactly this kind of thing. Why can’t we mind our own fucking business? Why are all of the world’s woes OUR duty to resolve? If the countries in the surrounding area don’t care enough to do anything about it when it may affect THEM, why should we? These are very simple questions, but our leaders refuse to answer them. We should initiate airstrikes on Gaddafi‘s forces? WHY? Then we’re responsible for cleaning up the mess. We should give weapons to the rebels? Look how well THAT idea has turned out in the past. Just stay. The fuck. Out of it. We owe nothing to the Libyan people. NOTHING. You guys gonna give us exclusive rights to your oil, and at a discount? No? Then what else do you have to offer us? What else makes this worth our time?

If the only reason anyone can come up with for us to spend one penny or one minute of our time over there is “those people need our help”, then I’m sorry, that’s not enough. Ya know who needs our help? The people of Detroit. The Border Patrol needs our help. We need to help ourselves in countless ways before we help anyone else on this ungrateful, godforsaken planet. How about trying this, people of Libya…if starting a revolution is worth it, take the risk and HELP YOURSELVES. The United States of America is not the custodian of the globe.

I also love the part in the piece where it essentially says, “China and Russia ain’t doin shit.” See, THIS is the problem, people. The evil nations of the world, who are power hungry, corrupt, and envious of America’s “superpower” status (whatever that means), sit by and wait, while we continually waste money and spread our resources across the world to intervene in matters that have nothing to do with U.S. interests. Why can’t China fix Libya’s mess? And the best part for these scumbag countries? The world doesn’t come down harshly on them, because doing nothing is expected of them.

The sad part is, I believe President Obama doesn’t actually want to intervene over there (at least not in any major capacity), but this is how powerful the military lobby is inside the government. For Obama, his opposition may exist for nothing other than political reasons, because the more the rest of the world requires his attention, the less time he gets to spend trying to accomplish anything at home, something which would surely be used against him by his opponents next year. He needs to remember something; his title is President of the United States, not Police Commissioner of the World.

And to those conservatives who say we should do something because, “America needs to set a moral example for the world”, I have two responses; 1) What good has that done us so far?, and 2) We can’t even set a good moral example amongst ourselves, so first things first.

By the way, in the same article, it mentions that Libya produces 1.8% of the world’s oil supply. ONE POINT EIGHT MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT, and because production has slowed there, I’ve had my gas prices go up more than 30 cents in a week?!?!

WHY?!!!!?!!!!?

I fucking digress…

-I sort of referenced this in a Facebook post, but I wanted to elaborate. I’m wondering when this huge reversal happened in Hollywood. It used to be you had a talent, became an entertainer, and you became famous through the entertainment you provided. Now, because of stupidass reality TV (and sex tapes of all things), people like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian become famous, and THEN try to become entertainers, too. Paris Hilton stupidly tried her hand at both music and acting, and Kardashian used her sex tape fame to do a reality TV show (which I gleefully have never seen) and now is apparently attempting music. The result is this:

Like I said on Facebook, that is quite literally one of the worst (maybe THE worst) pieces of “music” I’ve ever heard. It’s so bad that I demand to know who is responsible. Did someone in the music industry actually think she might be able to sing? If so, WHO? Did she insist on giving it a shot because she’s so famous now and felt she could branch out? And what producer, once this became a reality, actually said, “Yes, I’ll be the one to try and make this happen!” On a disaster of this scale, we need to find those who are responsible, and if possible, bring them to justice. I wouldn’t equate this to, say, the federal government’s response time to Hurricane Katrina, but don’t you have to put it CLOSE?

All things being equal, I still find Kim Kardashian mildly attractive. But let’s be honest, she’s not famous because of who her father was, or because she grew up already having a talent. No, she became famous because of video that showed up online of her having sex. After that, she started showing up on every Hollywood gossip website because the paparazzi took pictures of her at every party or nightclub or Hollywood event she ever attended. People saw that pictures of her were popular, so someone (AHEM, Ryan Seacrest, ahem) thought it should be taken to the next level, gave her and her family a reality show, and all of this climaxed with reports last month that the Kardashians supposedly made $65 million in 2010. THIS is what being a random attractive girl with some connections in Hollywood can lead to if you’re willing to have sex on camera and then have it “leak” onto the internet. Welcome to America…I guess? In a way I almost respect it. They have shown just what can be accomplished simply by being famous. The American public has shown that having a talent, or ANY value to society whatsoever, is not a requirement if you’re seeking to become a household name. One has to wonder what the deceased Robert Kardashian (a successful lawyer best known for being on the O.J. Simpson defense team) is thinking of all of this. Is he proud, or has be been spinning in his grave so hard and so fast that his body melted when it drilled its way to the earth’s core? I think the latter is a distinct possibility.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If Snooki ever releases an album, I’ll know it’s time to put a gun in my mouth.

EDITOR’S NOTE 2: Let it be known that I don’t mind admitting I find Kim Kardashian attractive, but I never asked to hear her singing voice, nor do I care to know if she can act. Really, I’d prefer if she was seen and never heard.

Now, if you didn’t know who she was, and
I asked you, “Porn star or mainstream
celebrity?” you’d at least have to pause,
right?

For more on the subject of the rise of talentless celebrities, I refer you to the Wikipedia page famous for being famous, which also lists other notable useless celebs.

-My evisceration of last week’s Oscar show got me to thinking of who I would want to see host the Oscars in the future. Because when I complain about something, I try to also offer solutions.

One thing that’s hard to figure is exactly what audience the Academy wants to reach. Do they even know? Everybody wants to go “young”, but what does that really mean? They want 18-22 year olds to watch? The only people that watch the show consistently at that age are nerds like me. That’s not the audience they should be after. I would argue that the show doesn’t have to be “young & hip.” It simply has to be good. And by its very nature, awards shows like this are more appropriate for adults. The host and presenters should be funny, with a little bit of edge to them, and they need be willing to try new things to make the show interesting. But really, when you think about what “young & hip” is in 2011, it’s nothing that intelligent Academy members (or intelligent people who watch the show) should be aspiring to. I never hear any so-called media critic saying any of this. They all just want to call the Oscars “long and boring.” It’s a fucking awards show, not a Broadway musical, not a Jay-Z concert.

Anyway, I pondered it, and based on what I think the Oscars should be trying to do, here are 11 people I wouldn’t mind seeing as host for the first time, and a few previous hosts I’d like back for another go.

–Will Smith (It’s funny that in all these years I don’t think he’s ever done any big hosting gig. But if you want a ratings spike, hiring the biggest movie star you’ve got certainly couldn’t hurt. I’m not sure how good he’d be at the monologues, but he could do any kind of skit or stage performance.)

–Robert Downey Jr. (Like I said previously, he’s great every time he presents, so it’s time to hand him the keys. He’s also the second or third biggest star we have right now, and I think people would want to see him try it.)

–Tom Hanks (He’s almost always a presenter, so I think it’s time for Mr. Charming to take the next step.)

–Kevin Spacey (It just seems like he’d be very good. He can be funny and witty, and he understands stage presence.)

–Matt Damon (I’m not 100% certain he’d be good, but he can be damn funny when he wants to be. I’m just not sure how good he’d be live in front of a huge crowd. But he’s almost universally liked and respected, and I think audiences would tune in.)

–Jane Lynch (Come on, this would HAVE to be good, wouldn’t it?)

–Conan O’Brien (How has this not happened already? I’m pretty sure he’s been asked a bunch of times but just hasn’t been willing for whatever reason.)

–Jerry Seinfeld (Maybe just because I miss his standup comedy. I don’t know if it’d work, but I’d love to see him try it.)

–Justin Timberlake (He’s the guy a lot of media people point to as a logical choice, and I’d certainly be interested in seeing him try it. His SNL hosting was excellent, but can he hold and sway the huge crowd inside the Kodak Theatre?)

–Bill Maher (If you wanted to go the edgy route, I think he’s a good option. Yes, there’d be a lot of left wing political references that would drive me nuts, but he’s fearless, and most importantly, he’s funny!)

–Russell Brand or Ricky Gervais (I think you’d get a similar type of show from both, and it would sure as hell be funny. I might ask Gervais to tone down the meanness a bit, but I think he’d be awesome.)

and, of course…

–Billy Crystal (Yeah, he’s the safe, classical choice, but damn he knows what he’s doing.)

-I also wouldn’t complain if Steve Martin and/or Alec Baldwin were asked to do it again. Or Maybe Baldwin & Tina Fey together.

RANDOMNESS

–Chad Johnson wouldn’t mind playing for the Jets and Jets players would love to have him. Let them have each other. [PFT]

-I find it entirely appropriate that the new Mike Tyson reality show is airing on Animal Planet.

-This is excellent. Fake ads for items representing movie clichés. [Cracked]

-I’ve had a genius idea. I’m coming up with a dream cast for a remake of The Room. It’s not done yet, but when it is, I’ll share it here. Let’s just say this, is there anyone else who could play Johnny in a Room remake better than Nicolas Cage? No, there isn’t. Feel free to share any of your casting ideas with me.

I must see The Room live.

-How cool is this?

-This one’s for Gnarly Gnarlingtons only:

Recommended Listening: “Shelter”, by The XX

Have a super duper week.