in A-B-C order

1. Birdman

2. Cap 2

3. Fury

4. Godzilla

5. Gone Girl

6. Grand Budapest

7. Hobbit 3 Bilbo

8. Nightcrawler

9. Raid 2

10. Whiplash posters



in A-B-C order

Key words being that I saw. I’m sure there were many films worse than these, but I typically don’t bother seeing movies I know I’m gonna hate. I believe the Vulcans would call that “logical”.

1. Inherent Vice

I absolutely hate doing this because I worship Paul Thomas Anderson. Unfortunately though, this movie just wasn’t made for me. The plot is sloppy, nothing interesting ever happens, and the characters were speaking in a language that couldn’t possibly have been English, despite the fact that all of the individual words spoken can be found in an English dictionary. This is the epitome of why I never enjoy druggie movies, hippie movies, or most party movies set in the 70’s. And when you put all of those ingredients into one pot, you get Inherent Vice, and you get me looking at the clock on my phone more often than I was looking at the screen, begging for it to be over. Despite this whiff at the plate, I have lost zero faith in PTA’s abilities. After all, there has still not been a better movie made by ANYONE since There Will Be Blood in 2007.

2. Into the Woods

Holy fucking shit, what a mess. I didn’t expect to enjoy this movie, but I never imagined it would be bad, let alone atrocious. I only saw it out of a sense of duty because of all the nominations it was piling up within the industry. Perhaps they got to see a different version out in L.A. In the cut I saw, the music sucks, the story is buffoonery incarnate, and the performances are lame and annoying. Not even the cuteness of Anna Kendrick could save it. If ever you needed proof that Meryl Streep gets nominated for awards now just because she’s Meryl Streep, this is the shining example on the hill. But hey, at least the title is accurate! It’s 2 hours of boring characters running around in a forest doing stupid shit while singing.

3. A Million Ways

A complete and utter misfire for Seth MacFarlane, who decided that playing himself, speaking 2014 English, would actually work in an old west story. I don’t know that I laughed more than twice during the entire thing. Perhaps it was arrogance after the runaway success of Ted that made him think, “I can literally do anything and people will love it.” Thankfully, that was not the case. Even if you’re the biggest Family Guy fan in the world, you should hate this movie.

4. Ride Along

I knew I was going to loathe this, but I watched it one boring night at work out of morbid curiosity just to find out why it did so well at the box office (and why we’re getting a fucking sequel). It was every bit as bad as I expected. If I could force 5 people in Hollywood into early retirement starting today, Kevin Hart might be at the top of that list (it’s a close call between him and the aforementioned Luc Besson). Dude has yet to have a starring role in a movie I’ve enjoyed, and I am sick to death of his shtick without even seeing most of his movies. Even the most popular comedians will often make SOME effort to do something different from role to role. Not Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart reads a script, and to him his character’s name is “Kevin Hart” and all the dialogue is, “Whatever Kevin Hart would say.”

5. Transformers 4

I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself with these movies, but I went out and paid actual currency to see yet another Transformers abomination. Michael Bay (and writer Ehren Kruger, who probably deserves equal blame for writing or co-writing all 3 of the TF sequels) somehow managed to do even worse here than on Revenge of the Fallen (that’s the second one). Age of Extinction is the worst, dumbest, least comprehensible Transformers movie yet. That’s quite an accomplishment. But hey, explosions, BRUH. Bay has once again declared he doesn’t want to come back for the inevitable 5th TF movie, but until I read that another director has officially signed on, I’m assuming Bay will chase those Transformers million$ once again in a couple years. For now, enjoy Everything Wrong with Transformers: Age of Extinction, which the guys at Cinema Sins had to split into 2 parts because of just how awful the movie is. These are two of the funniest videos I watched all year, and they’re light years better and funnier than the film they mock:

TF4 Prime on GrimlockIt’s a shame this geektastic moment was wasted on such a terrible movie.

TF4 explosionOk, this was cool. Top 10 Michael Bay explosion for sure.


And that’s a wrap on 2014, folks! Thanks again for reading, and as always, if you made it all the way to the end, me love you long time. I spend at least 24 combined hours putting this post together every year, and the goal is always to make it equal parts entertaining and informative. If you check out just one of the above recommendations based on my enthusiasm, I consider this a successful endeavor. In the words of Bill Belichick, we’re on to 2015, which could be anybody’s ball game come next awards season. We finally get a new Spielberg movie later this year, I’m uber excited for Avengers: Age of Ultron, and even more excited to see J.J. Abrams’ attempt to bring some much needed redemption to Star Wars in December. It’s early in the year, all things are still possible, and that’s pretty damned cool if you ask me.


LEGO spaceshipi construction LEGO SPACESHIP 2 LEGO SPACESHIP

LEGO my pants 1 LEGO my pants 2 LEGO my pants 3

Nightcrawler inflatable guy

Hardy Locke

Guardians Yandu arrow

Guardians Nebula pose Guardians Nebula v Gamorra yes pleaseWhy stop there?

Guardians Grott arm toss

Equalizer Boston 2 Beantown looking beautiful in The Equalizer.Equalizer Boston 1

Equalizer ice pick 1 Equalizer ice pick 2

Equalizer neck stab

Equalizer gun turnSheeeeee-it.

Equalizer sprinklers

Equalizer water

Equalizer money

Hail Hydra

Raid 2 Hammer girl action

Raid 2 Hammer girl splat

Raid 2 Bat man 1

Raid 2 Bat man 2

Raid 2 Bat man 3Second-coolest edit of the year.

Sniper rifle adjustSniper big eye

Sniper lift 1Sniper lift 2Do you even lift, Bradley?

Snowpiercer 3

Snowpiercer 1

Snowpiercer 2

Snowpiercer 4 Snowpiercer 5

Snowpiercer diagramClick for the full-size version of the Snowpiercer train layout.

One of the great revelations of 2014: Jennifer Lawrence can sing!

Whiplash JK conducts 2 Whiplash JK conducts 3 Whiplash JK conducts 1

Whiplash Simmons demolish

Whiplash good job 1 Whiplash good job 2

Budapest punches 1 Budapest punches 2 Budapest punches 3 Budapest punches 4

X-Men Wolvie punch Beast 1 X-Men Wolvie punch Beast 2

X-Men Mystique kick 1 X-Men Mystique kick 2

X-Men Mystique leg pin X-Men Mystique pretty

X-Men Magneto FUCK YES

Last Goodbye 1 Last Goodbye 2 Last Goodbye 3 Last Goodbye 4 Last Goodbye 5 Last Goodbye 6 Last Goodbye 7 Last Goodbye 8

Hobbit Thorin dying 1

Hobbit Tauriel 2 Hobbit Tauriel 1

Cap 2 friend 1 Cap 2 friend 2

X-Men sexual tension


X-Men trickery

X-Men Quicksilver ping pong

X-Men Magneto balls

X-Men Magneto helmet

EoT Blunt at award

EoT Full Metal Bitch

EoT Blunt action 1 EoT Blunt badass

EoT Blunt pushup

EoT Alpha mimic

EoT flying Blunt EoT flying Cruise

EoT Cruise badass

EoT mimic danceCalm down, bro.

EoT Cruise eye

EoT Cruise breakdanceWeeeeeee!

Blunt pistol

Chastain 1

Jessica Chastain wowJust Jessica Chastain owning the red carpet. Again.

Felicity Jones 1O HAI, Felicity Jones.

And some more Eva Green. I love this woman [NSFW incoming!]:

Eva Sin City premiere Eva Sin City premiere 2

300 Eva 1

300 Eva decap 1 300 Eva decap 2

300 Eva fight 1

Eva Sin City 2

Eva Sin City 1 Eva Sin City 4 pool hot Eva Sin City 3

Eva Sin City pool dive

Big Eyes Waltz excitedI knew you’d like that, Christoph.

GG cunt 1 GG cunt 2 GG cunt 3 GG cunt 4 GG cunt 5 GG cunt 6

Apes Koba look Apes crazy KobaWho’s crazier, Amazing Amy or Koba?

Fury Wardaddy Fury 1 Fury 2

Fury 9 Fury 4 Fury 3

Fury Pitt on set

Noah 1 Noah 2

Purge character 1 Purge character 2 Purge character 3 Purge character 4 Purge character 5 Purge character 6Frank F’N Grillo.

Purge 1 Purge Grillo 1

Cap 2 Knife fight Cap 2 shield punchMaybe the coolest single sound effect of 2014.

Cap 2 Winter Soldier kickSucks to be him.

Hobbit - Samuman fight 1 Hobbit - Saruman fight 2

[SPOILERS!] I fucking love how Smaug’s death was executed:

Hobbit Smaug death a Hobbit Smaug death b Hobbit Smaug death c Hobbit Smaug death d Hobbit Smaug death e Hobbit Smaug death f Hobbit Smaug death g Hobbit Smaug death h Hobbit Smaug death i

Godzilla let them fight Godzilla atomic death breathFight over. FATALITY.

MUTO love story

Interstellar 3

SPACESHIP Interstellar

Guardians dancing Groot Drax look

Guardians danceoff

GTY 452624828 E ACE CEL ENT CIN GBR ENVin Diesel being awesomely nerdy at the Guardians premiere.

Apes closeup Apes on horses 1

Apes smoking

Apes v bear Apes charge

of the Apes of theOfficial title of the third Apes film?

Guardians Quill finger Guardians Groot lineup

Guardians Thanos

Under the Skin Space Johansson Under the Skin peelingUnder the skin.

Transformers Sex TapeUnfortunate marquee letter placement.

Jillian Bell in 22 Jump Street may be the funniest performance of 2014:

And here are ALL of the Jump Street sequels proposed during the hilarious credits sequence at the end of 22:

Jump Street sequels 1 Jump Street sequels 2 Jump Street sequels 3 Jump Street sequels 4 Jump Street sequels 5 Jump Street sequels 6 Jump Street sequels 7 Jump Street sequels 8 Jump Street sequels 9 Jump Street sequels 10

22 Jump Street 2 more guns

22 Jump street Tatum dance

22 Jump Street dorm 1 22 Jump Street dorm 2 22 Jump Street dorm 3 22 Jump Street dorm 4 22 Jump Street dorm 5 22 Jump Street dorm 6 22 Jump Street dorm 7 this thing 22 Jump street dorm 8 22 Jump Street dorm 9

22 Jump Street My Name Is Jeff 22 Jump Street something cool

22 Jump Street oh shit 1 22 Jump Street oh shit 2 22 Jump Street oh shit 3 22 Jump Street oh shit 4

TF4 Tucci 1 TF4 Tucci 2 TF4 Tucci 3Stanley Tucci: the one actor worth a damn in TF4.

Guardians throat cut 1 Guardians throat cut 2

Guardians Drax drunk

Guardians Drax 1 Guardians Drax 2Literal Drax made me LOL.

Guardians we are Groot Guardians Michelle O Groot

Real raccoon Groot

After all the hype and controversy, The Interview was not a good movie, but it was very funny at times:

Interview peanut butter jealous alternate

Interview Eminem gay 1 Interview Eminem gay 2 Interview Eminem gay 3 Interview Eminem gay 4 Interview Eminem gay 5 Interview Eminem gay 6

Interview Franco stank eye

Interview who wants to be straight

Interview nuclear words Interview Kim Jong watchesUnlikely. Actually, I bet the fucker has seen it.

Duvall and Downey

X-Men Stewart McKellenI love that these two are best buddies.

50 Shades Gone Girl

Winter Soldier makeup

Billy Boyd sings

Birdman CAW

Cumberbatch photobombing

OLLA 0 sparkles

OLLA moving poster

OLLA bloodsicleYep, that’s a bloodsicle.

OLLA ending

Hodor Groot rap battle

Thorin Thorout

Candy Spaceballs dance Candy PTA piano jamCandy PTA dance Candy PTA headbang

Candy PTA shiver

Candy Spaceballs holy shit

Candy cigar attaboy

Candy PTA with Martin

Candy Buck art10/31/1950 – 3/4/1994

And finally, because I’m a Patriots fan and still floating in the clouds after Super Bowl XLIX, here’s Richard Sherman watching his world collapse:

Malcolm Butler pick

Sherman U MAD BRO

XLIX Brady jumping

left shark

XLIX Hail Hydra


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