BIGGIE'S PLACE

10. When will Elon Musk finally self-destruct, board one of his rocket ships, and head off to Mars, never to return? This one I can answer myself: not soon enough. As much as I hate that any person would be worth $50 billion or more on their own, I respect that at least some of these assholes know how to be rich and powerful quietly and out of public view without thinking they need to be involved in every facet of the lives of us peasants. Musk has repeatedly proven himself to be of questionable character, so why (other than to get clicks on your article or video) is he the one everyone wants to ask what the future should look like? It’s just as insane as Mark Zuckerberg, the world’s first sentient robot, being allowed to influence the future of human social interaction.

11. What happened to Martin Scorsese’s restraint? Why can this man not make a movie under 3 hours long that costs less than $200 million anymore? And how are these companies making that money back? Here are his last few movies: Killers of the Flower Moon (186 minutes, $200 million+), The Irishman (189 minutes, $200 million+), Silence (161 minutes, modest budget), The Wolf of Wall Street (180 minutes). It’s been 13 years (2011’s Hugo at 126 minutes) since he’s made a movie under 2.5 hours long. Now, almost all of these movies have been great, but why can’t he tell a story without it being such an epic undertaking? If he made Goodfellas now, would it 4 hours long? Lord knows I’m not against great movies that are long, but can the man make a smaller movie next time out? How about making a movie that isn’t reliant on Oscar buzz for people to want to see it?

12. Have I finally become one of those “the music of my generation was better” types? You bet your ass I have, and it started probably 5 years ago. Because let’s face it, it’s true! I was 15-20 years old during what was unquestionably the best era of rap (Biggie, Tupac, Wu-Tang Clan, Dre, Jay-Z, early DMX, the meteoric rise of Eminem, etc.), when R&B was above love (Boyz II Men, Babyface) and not just sex, when rock actually mattered and nearly every major band of the last 40 years was active and relevant in one way or another. Sorry, but if you’re 21 now, the music I grew up with > the crap you’re bumping to on Spotify. Put it this way, kids: when I was really young, that goddamn Mariah Carey Christmas song didn’t even exist yet. Can you imagine such a time? I’m here to tell you – it was glorious.

I was about 25-27 when I stopped paying attention to popular music and fell behind the times (it happens really fast). There comes a point when you like what you like and lose interest in actively seeking out new stuff. Recently, I’ve made a serious effort to sample some of today’s music to see if there’s anything worth a damn. It’s been a struggle. I’ve been a fan of Post Malone since he broke out. Even though he sounds like shit live without the voice production, I still love his album sound. I’ve had no luck finding any new rock bands because they apparently don’t exist anymore. Having lived in the South since 2007 I’ve heard way too much pop country, a genre I’m not sure even existed when I was a teenager. I will say that of the popular modern rappers/pop artists, I really like Doja Cat. She’s an excellent lyricist and rapper, and her soft singing voice is really appealing. There seems to be a pretty decent variety of female rappers today, which is cool. In my day, we had the GOAT (Missy Elliott), Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Lauryn Hill, and not much else until the early days of Nicki Minaj. Most modern rap fucking sucks, though. Let’s not mince words. But for a few exceptions, these inarticulate idiots have nothing compelling to say.

Regardless, if I’m taking only one decade of music into the afterlife with me, I choose the 90s all day every day. And I’ll take it with my Sony Walkman and the 300-CD case that rode around in my car 24/7.

13. How excited am I for major entertainment releases this year? From what I know is coming, I’d rate my excitement at about a 7 out of 10. We’ve got the final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm debuting in February and we finally get season 2 of House of the Dragon this summer. It’ll be sad to see Larry David & Curb go because it’s my only refuge for TV comedy nowadays. I’m looking forward to HotD having an entire season without any of the time jumps that unfortunately were necessary in season one. It should flow much better this season, and boy are things gonna get ugly for the Targaryens. But that’s more awesome dragon action, more terrific performances, and of course a whole new season of delicious Ramin Djawadi music. The downside? The tiresome Game of Thrones Reaction Industry (the myriad website articles, podcasts, and YouTube videos dissecting every second of every episode) is salivating at the chance to profit from it. We’ve also got Masters of the Air, the next World War II epic miniseries from executive producers Tom Hanks & Steven Spielberg (who brought us Band of Brothers and The Pacific) debuting on Apple TV at the end of January. As always, with the streaming services pumping out new stuff year-round, I’ll be looking forward to being surprised by a show or two. Or it could be that this is the year I finally go back and watch one of the classic shows I haven’t gotten into yet, like The Sopranos or The Wire. I also plan on starting a complete West Wing rewatch at some point soon.

My most anticipated movie of the year, Dune: Part Two, opens on my birthday, and I think that’s the first time in my life that’s ever happened. There is no filmmaker alive I have more faith in right now than Denis Villeneuve, and I fully expect this to live up to ALL the hype. Then we’ve got a new Mad Max movie from George Miller starring my love Anya Taylor-Joy as a young Furiosa, Deadpool enters the MCU (still have no clue how that’s going to work), and Ridley Scott‘s Gladiator sequel that I’ll be fascinated to see play out after two decades of will-they or won’t-they.

14. Does anyone else find it strange how many people openly want to experience a zombie apocalypse, a complete economic collapse, or other doomsday scenario? I often read stories about rich people building bunkers, gun “enthusiasts” hoarding weapons and ammo and food, and all this other doomsday prepper crap, as if these events are already on the calendar. I’ve got news for all of you: if there is an apocalypse, humanity will not long survive, and what’s left of us in the barren wastelands (the conspiracy nuts and the paranoid) won’t be worth fighting for. What are any of us civilized, modern people going to do if the internet goes down permanently and we can’t stare at screens all day? That alone will be the end for most of us. Including me, by the way. Why the fuck would I want to live in The Walking Dead? Scrounging for food, living off the land, being afraid 24/7, killing anyone who looks at me sideways, and not having air conditioning or modern medicine? No, thanks. None of that sounds appealing.

If I hear the nukes have been launched and the US mainland will be hit, I’m driving toward the blast zone. Let it be over quick, man. The rest of you psychos can fight for whatever barren, electricity-free shithole remains. I’m generally in favor of mankind’s extinction. The planet will be thrilled to be rid of us, I assure you. If I can’t watch movies, play video games, or smoke properly humidified cigars, then I surrender to whatever fate awaits us. Again, NO AIR CONDITIONING. Think about it.

15. Just how big is Manscaped’s marketing budget? And how can they possibly see a return on thousands of these investments? This is similar to DraftKings’ omnipresence in sports media. Not surprisingly, the two companies often sponsor and advertise with the same people. I swear Manscaped has sponsored every podcast I’ve ever listened to and every YouTube channel I’ve watched over the last five years. Due to their saturation of anything male-centric on the internet, I’ve placed them on my “do not buy” list because I’m so sick of hearing about them. I’m sure there’s a psychological term for advertising creating the opposite effect of its desired goal. At the same, they’ve also convinced me that there is literally no other company that makes these grooming products. It’s the same reason I don’t buy any energy drinks or alcohol that’s incessantly promoted by the celebrity co-owner of that business who’s only looking to one day sell their part of it for a massive windfall. I’m looking at you, Dwayne Johnson. Fuck your tequila, you greedy bastard. And your energy drink. And your movies, now that I think of it.

16. Is there any hope of the word “influencer” being phased out this year? I cannot stand this term, mostly because of what it implies. Usually, it means someone who wants to make social media a full-time job. And I cannot think of anyone less useful than a person who uses internet platforms that are actively destroying the fabric of society to sway people to act, dress, or spend money in a certain manner. Fuck that. This could be a 4,000-word piece on its own but suffice it to say I’m really happy I was in my teens and early 20s before smartphones and social media existed. I cannot imagine what being in high school is like in 2024.

I’m trying to imagine myself in 1993 calling Steven Spielberg a “filmmaking influencer”. Or a “content creator” for that matter. There’s another overused expression that should be slowly dipped into an active volcano so that we can hear its screams of horror as it dies.

17. Why is it that the healthy food that we’re meant to be eating is more expensive and less accessible than the inexpensive, readily available garbage that most of us consume every day? I wonder if this is a uniquely American problem. The fact that nearly 70% of Americans are overweight and 40% of us are obese probably indicates the answer is yes.

18. What limb would I be willing to sacrifice to resurrect early 90s George Carlin so he could do one HBO special on his views of the state of our culture today? The answer: any of them. I say early 90s because that was when he was at his sharpest. I’ve often heard comedians say something to the effect of, “What would George Carlin say if he were still alive today?” That’s a bad question. Even if he were still alive, he’d be 86 right now. Toward the end of his career, he had definitely lost a step with his material. And that was when he was 70 just before his death. I need to know what Peak Carlin would have to say. By the way, if you’re a Carlin fan like I am, you MUST watch Judd Apatow‘s 2022 documentary George Carlin’s American Dream on HBO/Max. It was goddamn excellent.

19. When are we going to admit that a lot of people identify as queer because it’s trendy? Statistically, that simply has to be the case. I’d be willing to wager human genetics haven’t changed that drastically since the turn of the century. Hell, you don’t even have to go back ten years to a time when having to declare your pronouns was simply not necessary. Back when nobody knew what cis meant. These things weren’t a problem until we forcefully made them so. It was around 2015-2017 when this became a raging obsession. Why do so many young people suddenly find it gross to admit they’re a boy or a girl? It can’t be a coincidence that it’s mostly people under 30 having this issue and pushing it on everyone else, nor can it be a coincidence it’s far more common in and around big cities.

Thank god for Bill Maher, a classic liberal who’s willing to speak what we can all plainly see. This monologue, from May 2022, is brilliant: