BIGGIE'S PLACE

I’ll tell you what I’d like to see. A lot of things. But let’s start with these random 25 things, in no particular order. We’ll cover sports, movies, television, politics, current events, and one sexy automobile.

WARNING: Since many of these turned into their own mini-rants, this post is rated R for language.

-I’d like to see the Boston Red Sox win their third World Series in 9 years, with the most likable team since 2004, and have them win this one at home at Fenway Park. What’s that? DONE, DONE, AND DONE? Excellent!

WOW.

The most epic salute of all time.

Can 2012 already be considered ancient history?

I’m sorry, was that too much? Tough shit, I’m from Boston.

Okay, next…

–I’d like to see TV networks like Discovery Channel, History Channel and The Learning Channel (excuse, me just “TLC” now, because fuck learning) stop airing moronic “reality” shows that have nothing to do with the theme of the network they’re shown on. For example, remember when The History Channel was awesome and you could turn it on at any time of day and learn something interesting about, you know…history? Well, here’s what they show now: Pawn Stars, Ax Men, Mountain Men, Ice Road Truckers and fucking Swamp People. Apparently, as long as your reality show takes place primarily outdoors, you’re qualified to air on History. The History Channel should forego the b.s. and rename itself RON: the Redneck Outdoor Network. Discovery Channel, which used to also focus on educational programming, primarily through the lens of science, now relies on shows like Bar Hunters, Airplane Repo, Auction Kings, Property Wars, Dirty Jobs, Tickle (?!), and fucking Amish Mafia. The Learning Channel TLC, which coincidentally is owned by Discovery, is now the home of Cake Boss, Honey Boo Boo, Gypsy Sisters, Extreme Couponing, 19 Kids & Counting, Little Couple (about a midget couple, because we needed that), and fucking Welcome to Myrtle Manor, which I’m ashamed to admit is filmed in the city I live in and “stars” a couple of people I’ve actually met.

And there are other offenders. I used to love Bravo, which was formerly the most artistic-minded, film-centric network on cable. Then it was bought by NBC, and is now utterly dominated by some of the worst reality TV ever conceived, including every variation of The Real Housewives of Go Fuck Yourself. I’m looking through their list of shows, and there are literally dozens of crappy reality shows and their myriad spinoffs. It’s embarrassing. I’m ashamed that one of my most beloved shows of all-time, Inside the Actors Studio, still calls Bravo home. Of course, I don’t need to mention MTV, which was the first cable network to completely abandon its founding principles through reality programming. Everybody under 25: MTV stands for Music Television. Crazy, right? It makes no sense. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what reality TV has done to us. All of TV is reality TV, and the idiots who inhabit these heavily edited worlds are now some of our biggest celebrities. And you have only yourselves to blame for eating that shit up like a meal at McDonalds. Fast food TV, that’s what it is.

Serious question: is there any profession or group of humans that hasn’t been turned into a reality show yet? I guess we’re still waiting for Roadkill Scrapers to debut on History. Or did Dirty Jobs already cover that? Accountants! There’s something I’ve yet to see. Come on TLC, let’s get Wild Accountants of West Virginia on the air, pronto!

–I’d like to see the studios release R-rated and PG-13 versions of certain movies in theaters just like they release 2D and 3D versions of all 3D movies. I’m tired of potentially great movies compromising their artistic integrity just so they can have a PG-13 and be available to a larger audience. I propose that a better, R-rated version of certain movies would outperform its PG-13 counterpart, and I want to see that theory proven. I could come up with a couple dozen good examples of where this could’ve applied over the years. I admit I didn’t come up with this idea on my own. Someone suggested it in the comment section of one of the movie blogs I read in a discussion about director James Mangold‘s recent comments about releasing an R-rated version of The Wolverine on Blu-ray. I started writing a full review of that movie for this blog but decided not to finish it, because I found I wasn’t all that passionate about it one way or the other. However, this was one of the issues with the film I was going to bring up. The Wolverine was SCREAMING to be R-rated, and I’d bet you anything that if Fox had released an R-rated version, that version would have accounted for at least 60% of all ticket sales.

Much of the hand-to-hand combat (or should I say claw-to-hand combat?) in The Wolverine looks bad because they had to shoot in tight closeups to avoid showing the damage Wolverine‘s adamantium claws would do to the human body. I think that’s bullshit. To make a realistic, gritty Wolverine movie (which is what they all admit they were going for), you have to show Wolvie slicing people’s arms and legs off, lobbing off ninja’s heads, or putting huge gash wounds across people’s chests and tummies. Not because it’d be gratuitous fun for the audience (though it would be), but because that’s precisely what Wolverine’s claws would do! I thought The Wolverine was pretty good on the whole, but it could have been great if Fox had any testicular fortitude (and if they’d rewritten that nonsensical, over-the-top final battle).

To illustrate my point, here are some PG-13 films just in the past 3 years that could have been much better with an R rating and the creative freedom it grants: World War Z, The Dark Knight Rises, The Hunger Games, Sucker Punch.

Does anyone believe we needed a PG-13 remake of Robocop? ‘Nuff said.

–I’d like to see all Major League Baseball players’ salaries cut in half. Then, they MIGHT actually be getting paid what they’re worth. If you were to list the 10 worst contracts in all of professional sports, 9 of them would have to be MLB players, right? The tenth would be the ludicrous extension Tony Romo just got. I’d love to see baseball contracts take on the NFL model, where you get a certain amount of guaranteed money, but teams can cut your ass if you’re being paid $25 million at age 36 and are playing like shit or if you’re constantly injured. Baseball executives need to be protected from their own stupidity. And yes, I realize this will never happen given the power of the MLBPA. Guaranteed contracts are a holy grail in pro sports collective bargaining, and once a league gives it up, it seems unlikely that would revert for the foreseeable future. Between that and the lack of a salary cap, it’s a wonder young athletes choose to play any other sport when even a mediocre baseball player can make $4 million a year just for drawing breath.

Along those lines, I’d also like to see a baseball writer look at every player who has ever signed a $100 million+ contract and show the stats each of them put up before and after they signed the deal. I’d bet good money at least 70% of them took a nosedive once they got paid. I might do this analysis myself one of these days; that’s how much I despise baseball contracts. I’m looking at you, A-Rod. And you, Albert Pujols. And you, Big Fat Prince Fielder. Put it this way: MLB’s minimum salary in 2013 was $490,000, but the AVERAGE salary was more than $3.2 million because of all the bloat. That’s fucking absurd. And don’t give me this “the huge TV contracts easily offset these deals” crap. A shit contract is a shit contract. These guys don’t deserve more money just because you HAVE more money. That’s idiotic logic. Dumb is dumb even if you can afford to be dumb. Dumb is not something to aspire to. Stop turning undeserving dickwads into megamillionaires!

10 YEARS, $214 MILLION, 357 POUNDS. GREAT IDEA!
“He doesn’t know that I’m going to literally EAT $50 million of this contract. Because I can.”

In the middle of writing this post, with the 2013 season drawing to a close, the San Francisco Giants finished up one bad contract extension with Tim Lincecum (2 years, $40 million for two subpar seasons) and gave him another one instead of learning their lesson, opting to pay him $35 million for 2 more years. And because a $17 million salary next year alone isn’t enough incentive for Lincecum to pitch well, he gets the following bonuses: $250,000 for reaching 210 innings pitched, and $250,000 MORE for reaching 220 innings. 250K for pitching 10 innings. Let that sink in. That’s $8,333 per out, $2,777 per pitch if they were all strikeouts. He also gets an additional $500,000 for winning the Cy Young in 2014, $100,000 for making the All-Star team, and $50,000 for winning a Gold Glove – because why not? Let’s layer this dumbcake as high as that fucker will go.

Mind you, they re-upped with him AFTER paying him $22 million this year to put up a 4.74 ERA in the National League. He’s been mediocre the last two years, but what’s two years of wasted money when you can have four?!

Baseball logic. You can’t make this shit up, folks. But good news for the Giants: the Barry Zito contract, one of the worst in MLB history, is finally finished! I’m surprised these idiots didn’t pick up his $18 million team option for 2014 just for shits and giggles.

–I’d like to see respectable people stop treating Jay-Z and Beyoncé as if they were the King and Queen of America. No President has been as much of a starfucker (figuratively speaking, due respect to literal starfucker JFK) as Mr. Obama, but his love affair with these two in particular goes beyond the pale. Why does any rapper need to be a guest of honor at The White House? I don’t care if Obama is a genuine fan; go read some of his lyrics and tell me this is a guy you want to appear being all chummy with in public. A little common sense, Mr. President. And it’s not just the President. Whenever Jay-Z appears on a talk show, the hosts treat him like he’s a demigod or a head of state. It drives me nuts. I’m surprised he doesn’t have a vote at the United Nations. Why is Warren Buffett pals with him? What great thing did he contribute to society to gain this sterling reputation? Case in point: when he was a minority owner of the New Jersey/Brooklyn Nets (he had to sell his stake once he opened his sports management company), he seemed to be the singular face of the franchise. In reality, he owned one-fifth of one perfect of the team, but if you were to ask the average Joe who owned the Nets, he or she probably would’ve said, “Jay-Z and some Russian billionaire.”

I’ll give the guy credit; he’s a great businessman getting a lot of great advice, and he’s used his fame and newfound stature to make some powerful friends. But that doesn’t mean he’s a genius innovator or a great guy. It just goes to show how powerful the allure of celebrity is in this country. Even people who don’t need famous friends want them, and Jay-Z is only too happy to be that famous friend if it’ll increase his standing among the 1%. Or is that too cynical? Does anyone believe he actually knows a damn thing about politics? He came out in support of gay marriage right after Obama did (how convenient), but his lyrics tell a different story as to how he feels about gays. Nor is he some charitable angel putting his own money out there for the less fortunate (many of whom are his fans). He took some fire last year after he reportedly gave just $6,000 to charity despite earning over $60 million, to which he responded in an interview, “This is going to sound arrogant, but my presence is charity.” Yeah, that sounded kinda arrogant, dude. Mr. Carter is only about 2 steps behind his boy Kanye West in regards to his arrogance and self-important attitude. But why shouldn’t he feel that way? Imagine having your ass kissed 24/7 not just by fans, but by important, powerful people from all walks of life. All day. Every day. Everywhere you go. I couldn’t imagine it.

There’s famous, and then there’s so famous that other famous people are starstruck in your presence. He and Beyoncé appear to be on that level, and I say they’re unworthy. Or at least he is. These two are great at selling concert tickets and making money. Why does this separate them from the dozens of other famous people who can say the same thing? And if it doesn’t, then what does separate them? Because I honestly don’t get it. I mean, they named their kid “Blue Ivy”. Cased closed, right? Right.

“Here’s King Shawn Carter & Queen Beyoncé!”
Also pictured: some other guy.

Editor’s Note: I’ve been a fan of Jay-Z’s music since the mid-90’s, before white people bought more rap music than black people, and before he got megarich off his clothing line- so I’m not saying all this as a “hater”. I don’t begrudge him his success. In fact, I admire it. However, these things don’t make him one of the pillars of our society. I guess I should be happy; at least he hasn’t become so full of himself that he thinks he’s also a budding actor, unlike another rap/business mogul from New York I could name.

–I’d like to see the NFL National Football League be a lot less arrogant, and I suggest they start this process by ceasing to call the Super Bowl champs “World Champions”. Enough already. There are no NFL teams outside the United States (the only major sport in this country that can make that claim, by the way), and football is basically the most American thing about America right now. In fact, I’m almost certain there is no other nation on Earth where American football is the most popular sport in that country. The NFL has been fairly slow and unsuccessful in globalizing the game, so until there’s actually some prestige to being the NFL’s “world champions”, can’t we just call the Super Bowl winner the “NFL champions”, or something similarly appropriate? I know we can’t call them “national champions”, because the big, bad NFL would never reduce itself to using collegiate terminology. Call them “Lords of the NFL” for all I care, but let’s admit that the rest of the world doesn’t give a poop who wins the Super Bowl.

At least the NBA and MLB can claim they have players from all around the world, even if they don’t have teams everywhere. The NFL can make no such claim legitimately. The most recent data I could find says that fewer than 3% of NFL players were born outside the United States. That’s saying something considering there are far more players in the NFL than the other U.S. leagues I referenced (53-man rosters on 32 teams in the NFL, 25-man rosters on 30 MLB teams, 12-man rosters on 30 NBA teams, and so on).

-While we’re on the subject…I’d like to see us all agree to call “football” something else. The only people who use their feet in American football are the least important players on the team, yet we’re apparently naming the sport after their contributions. I’d love to know the etymology of how this sport came to be called “football”. If we’re being honest with ourselves, the game’s moniker would have something to do with the quarterback, which of course is the most important position in all of American sport. Call the sport throwball or handball or something. I dunno. I’m open to suggestions, but I’ve always found it dumb that the name of our most popular sport makes no f’ing sense whatsoever.

–I’d like to see the following term limits imposed on the federal government: 1) 2 terms for United States Senators at 5 years per term, 2) 3 terms for United States Representatives at 3 years per term, 3) 10-year terms for Supreme Court Justices, with the President’s terms staying the same. Under my rules, the same people could only fuck up the country for a decade at a time, instead of for entire generations like we currently allow. And there would be elections every year, so that the government couldn’t shut down for an entire year like it does now so Congress can prepare their greedy asses to try and get re-elected. These people need to actually accomplish something to get re-elected, not simply be the best fundraisers and ass kissers. There would be constant change and real incentive for elected officials to do what’s right instead of what’s in the best interests of their careers. There should be no such thing as a “career politician”. In my view, that term is an oxymoron. If you’re trying to make a career out of serving in elected office, at a certain point you’re serving yourself and not the people you represent. For many of these assholes, that happens on Day 1. That’s just Step One in my grand plan to fix this country, but I believe term limits are the first and most important thing we could do to curb the tide of government incompetence. But of course this will never happen, because you’d be asking the people we want to restrict to vote to restrict themselves. Good luck with that.

Yup, we’re fucked. ‘Merica!

–I’d like to see Jerry Seinfeld do another HBO standup comedy special. How he has not done another one with them since I’m Telling You for the Last Time, which was way back in 1998. That show was a masterpiece. I wanna know if 59-year old Seinfeld still has any life on his standup fastball.

–I’d like to see politicians, intellectuals, and activist groups make as big a public fuss about the absurd cost of college tuition as they do about oil companies and greedy Wall Street assholes. Student debt is crushing the finances of the young people of this country at an ever-increasing rate, yet this issue seems to be near the bottom of the barrel on people’s lists of “things we need to fix”. Why are students paying more and more every single year to train themselves to enter a job market with fewer and fewer job opportunities? There seems to be a supply and demand conflict here, but maybe I’m crazy. Now, if schools specializing in computer science and technology were the only ones jacking up their prices, I could maybe understand that, because there’s a huge need for people with those skills. Harvard University has a $30 billion “endowment”, which I’m pretty sure means Harvard has $30,000,000,000 in various bank accounts and investments. Ummm…why? How are these schools any different than all those evil corporations? We don’t like health care for profit, but education for profit is perfectly acceptable. Why? Why is it just accepted that college costs are going to go up and up and up without end? Why is no one with a larger audience than me screaming about this on TV or on a widely read website? Why are there no protesters outside any major college campuses demanding schools reduce costs? Why does our President not really give a fuck about it? You’d figure this would be something the Democratic Party would be focused on. These people moan and groan about rich people and “paying their fair share” and all this other nonsense. Why, then, is it okay that only rich people can afford the top educations in this country when education is EVERYTHING? I’m just asking the questions, folks. I don’t claim to have all the answers.

–I’d like to see penicillin become available over the counter. Seriously, why is it prescription only? It’s not addictive, and for all the good it does, it should be more readily available. Why couldn’t they fit this into the 11,000 pages of Obamacare? Riiiight, because only about 5 pages of that bill were actually useful. The rest of it must be all the computer code they used to build the Healthcare.gov website that still doesn’t work a month after first going live. BIG GOVERNMENT!!! WOOOOOO!!!!

–I’d like to see a news outlet that spends 90% or more of its coverage on good news. You know as well as I do that most people who don’t follow the news claim that the primary reason for their apathy is something along the lines of, “What’s the point? It’s all bad news anyway.” What if there were an alternative? Could such an enterprise be viable pitted against the deluge of doom that we’ve become accustomed to? It’s an interesting question. I wonder if anything like that has been tried. It would be a good idea for a website. (And wouldn’t ya know it, goodnews.com seems to be available!)

–I’d like to see YouTube ban people from begging for likes and subscriptions on their videos. I think you know exactly what it is I’m talking about. “If you found any part of this video helpful or entertaining, or if you enjoy the colors of my logo, or if you’re watching this at night, or if your middle name starts with an S, make sure and hit that like button and don’t forget to subscribe for more SHUT THE FUCK UP.

–I’d like to see Christopher Nolan make a movie with a sub-$100 million budget after Interstellar comes out next year, if only to switch things up a bit. I’m not saying go all the way back to a Memento-sized film, but look what he did with The Prestige, which cost around $40 million, or one-fifth of what he spends now. After The Dark Knight, that’s easily my second-favorite movie of his. I want him to take a deep breath, take two steps back, tone it down with the convoluted plots and do another really tight story like The Prestige or Insomnia. I’d like to see a lot of today’s blockbuster filmmakers try this.

–I’d like to see Mark Wahlberg take a 5-year vacation from acting in movies. He’s the most overexposed leading actor today this side of Channing Tatum. When Lone Survivor opens later this year, it will be his 4th movie of 2013. He was in 2 movies in 2012 and it looks like he’ll be in 2 more next year (including one of 2014’s biggest releases, Transformers: Age of Extinction). I like Wahlberg, but I’ve never loved him, and I think he’s overrated and overused as a leading man (he’s still never been better than he was in Boogie Nights, which was 16 years ago now). I’ve just seen way too much of the guy over the last 5 years and I’d like a break. Mr. Wahlberg, take a cue from the great Daniel Day-Lewis and practice some moderation. Quality over quantity my friend. Try it.

-Similarly, I’d like to see a 5-year moratorium on new Rihanna albums, or any song “featuring Rihanna”. And to be clear, I don’t actively dislike her music. She’s mildly talented (even though she writes very little of her own stuff), I like her voice (even if she doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of range), and she’s an excellent stage performer. She’s also attractive and appears to be a sex fiend. Both positives. THAT SAID, and I admit this is totally unfair since I don’t know her personally…I think she’s an awful, stupid person. I’ll never forgive her running back to that piece of shit Chris Brown after what he did to her. That set a horrific example for her young female fans, and the fact that she doesn’t seem to care about her public image is concerning. She seems to think she’s untouchable, and pride cometh before the fall. A simple Google search “dumb things Rihanna said” turned up this amusing collection of Rihanna boobery on Buzzfeed. And that’s just stuff she did in 2012. She is addicted to making poor decisions. And sex. Which, again, is cool.

Her stupidity and ignorance aside, the primary issue here is that there’s too fucking much of her, and not enough spotlight left for other young talented singers. Since she broke out with her single “Pon de Replay” in 2005 (when she was all of 17), she’s put out 7 friggin albums, including one every year since 2009. The only year she didn’t put out a new album was in ’08. Although technically, she did put out a reissue of her 2007 album Good Girl Gone Bad in 2008 with 3 new tracks on it, so BOOM- she’s released an album every single goddamn year since 2005. The fact that we needed to revisit an album after one year is hilarious in and of itself. If you go by Wikipedia’s list of Rihanna recordings, outside of her own work, there have been 19 “featuring Rihanna” songs, even though it feels like there have been 500. Ubiquitous is not a strong enough word. Omnipresent is probably more accurate. I blame other artists as much as I do her for their lack of originality in choosing collaborators. It’s creatively lazy, and if they’re doing it only because they believe her name will help a song’s visibility, then that’s shameful. “Hmm, who should we collaborate with? DERP- Rihanna! Obvi! Let’s sell some iTunes singles!” As much as I adore Coldplay, they may have officially jumped the shark when they put her on one of their songs on their most recent album in 2011. Rihanna is not a bandwagon a group of this stature needs to be hopping on.

Point is, I don’t even listen to the radio and I STILL hear way too much of this girl. She is inescapable. I could go a long time without hearing a new Rihanna track and shed not one tear of regret. She’s still only 25, she’s made more money than almost every other 25 year old in this country combined (including a reported $43 million in 2012 alone). Take a fuckin vacation, girl! Go get lost on a desert island. No, really, get lost. For 5 years. At least. And take your woman-beating, misogynist, on-off boyfriend with you. Let someone else (or multiple other people, god forbid) have the stage for a while.

–I’d like to see Justin Bieber walk ALONE through the south side of Chicago at 2am dressed like this:

It looks like he took a liquid shit in his pants for 20 minutes straight and said, “Fuck it, I’ll just keep it there and walk around for a bit.” I guess that’s why people are calling these “diaper pants”. Seriously, what the FUCK is wrong with this kid? Wasn’t he somewhat normal (despite that hair) like 2 years ago? Maybe some self-loathing soul who actually keeps tabs on this dude and (gasp!) enjoys his music can explain this regression in his appearance and lifestyle. Has there ever been a white person who wanted to be black more than this little twat? He makes Eminem in his prime look like Barry Manilow. I’d like to see Justin Bieber go 24 hours without his bodyguards babysitting him just to see if he could survive the day.

For further reference, my thanks to Heavy.com for its hilarious collection of The 20 Awesomest Photos of Justin Bieber Dressed Like a Douchebag.

–I’d like to see myself behind the wheel of a Lamborghini Aventador. Così bella, così pericolos! Magnifico!

Oh, ummm…HAI:

–I’d like to see the person or persons who came up with the concept of the Homeowners Association resurrected (I’m assuming they’re all dead) and then stoned to death on live television. To me, this is the biggest unprotested violation of the Constitution we have in modern society. Or one of em, anyway. Top 5 for sure. I understand the concept of the “greater good” that the rules of an HOA provide for a neighborhood and all that other politically correct bullshit, but personally, I prefer my own freedom over the need to dictate what my neighbor does with his fucking lawn. I live in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, an area that has exploded with new housing developments over the past decade (I still don’t understand why this happened, but my theory is that Myrtle Beach is now the #1 destination for people who have decided Florida is too expensive). Most of these developments feature a large cluster of cookie cutter houses or apartment buildings. There’s very little land to be owned and very little that separates your residence from your neighbor’s in terms of appearance or ambience. I say that to say this: it is nearly impossible to buy or rent property here that isn’t under the jurisdiction of an HOA. And that’s exactly what it is: a jurisdiction. I’ve lived in 3 different apartment complexes and one house here in 6 years, and each and every time there was some cocksucker who took their “job” as an HOA board member waayyy too fuckin seriously. If you are that guy or gal who takes a walk around the complex every morning looking for HOA “violations”, you can take that flagpole nobody’s allowed to have in their yard, shove it up your ass and pull it out of your left ear. Twice. Thrice even.

There is nothing these assholes don’t want to control about what you do with your own living space. They’re gonna tell you where you can park, how to park, what time of day you can park in a specific area, what kind of vehicles you can and can’t have (no, seriously- the development I’m in now doesn’t allow you to park motorcycles in your own fucking driveway), how you can and can’t groom your lawn, what color you can paint your house, what kind of fence you can have (the height, width and style), whether or not you can wash your car in your own driveway (most places here, you can’t, because god forbid SOAP should stream into the street!), and the list goes on and on and on (and on…) depending on where you live. I never used the pools at the apartment complexes I lived at because I was afraid someone wouldn’t approve of the color of my swim trunks (yeah, I said “swim trunks”). To me, HOA’s belong in Communist China along with their One Child Policy, not in the United States of America. I’m not overly libertarian, but I believe I should be able to do with my own property whatever the hell I please so long as it’s within the law. I don’t believe it’s right that a smaller group of laws can govern each specific area that’s already governed by whatever zoning laws are on the books. And the fact that you have to pay some of these places HOA “fees” and fines? On TOP of the property taxes you have to pay local government? My friends, that is un-American. FUCK HOA’s. When I’m ready to buy a home, if it’s still even possible, I will not live under an HOA dictatorship.

P.S. My absolute favoritest part of the HOA experience at the apartments I’ve lived at is the thing where once a month the insect spray guy, WHO HAS THE KEYS TO EVERYBODY’S HOME, gets to enter your residence virtually unannounced, and then enter every bedroom and bathroom he pleases to squirt his little spray. The multiple occasions where one of these bastards has opened my bedroom door while I’m mostly naked in bed are among the most violating, awkward experiences of my life. FUCK HOA’s. Did I mention that part yet?

–I’d like to see retailers stop calling it “Black Friday” when all the sale items are now being sold on Thanksgiving. Seriously, the whole point of it was for there to be huge “day after Thanksgiving” sales. Well, if all the doorbusters (which are the only thing American zombie consumers shop for during these events) are now gone by 10pm Thanksgiving night, that following Friday is no longer special. I worked 8 Black Fridays at Best Buy, and as any retail employee knows, once the major sale items are gone (it typically takes 2-5 hours to ring everybody up for the doorbusters), business slows down exponentially. Let’s rename this consumer bonanza “Greed Thursday” or “The Hell with My Family I’ve Got SHOPPING TO DO Thursday”. Let’s be HONEST about it, people. With every major retailer in America now opening between 6 and 8pm Thanksgiving night this year, the following Friday is gonna be just another day. “Black Friday”, as we’ve known it all these years, is dead, so too is Thanksgiving for that matter. And again, who do we blame but ourselves? Well, I can blame everybody else. Not once have I participated in a Black Friday sale. My conscience is clean in this regard. Even if I hadn’t worked at either a retail store or a movie theater on Black Friday for the past 17 years, you wouldn’t catch me in one of those lines if my life depended on it. I’ll see your crappy $300 laptop and raise you two middle fingers.

–I’d like to see more filmmakers put special features on their Blu-rays that are as good as the bonus material consistently found on David Fincher‘s home releases. I recently decided to rewatch the excellent bonus material on The Social Network Blu-ray and came away creatively inspired and reinvigorated. Again. I then watched The Social Network again, and then Zodiac and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and their special features, and now I’m in the middle of revisiting The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which is a Criterion release on Blu-ray. If I ever get the chance to meet David Fincher, the first thing I’ll do is thank him for the education he’s given me via his DVDs and Blu-rays, and for being so open with his process. He’s been doing great stuff like this since the special editions of Se7en and Fight Club were released in the early 2000’s. He and his team enforce the best quality control in the business, and more filmmakers ought to be taking notes.

–I’d like to see more TV shows have the integrity to quit while they’re ahead like Vince Gilligan did with Breaking Bad. One of the best things about that show is the simple fact that it had a definitive ending. The story of Walter White, and the primary group of people orbiting him, had a clear beginning, middle and end. You don’t see that very often in television. Br Ba didn’t need to be this thing that could be an ongoing saga, and in my view they got out right before the story was about to get out of control from a logic standpoint. So, bravo I say. I can admit that even one of my favorite 3 shows of all-time, 24, didn’t know when to quit, and we’re left being forced to accept the fact that Jack Bauer saved the world in one day 8 friggin times, when 4 or 5 might have sufficed. I often wonder if the creative forces behind some of my other current favorite shows (Boardwalk Empire or The Walking Dead for example) have any clue right now how those stories will eventually wrap up.

On the flip side, a show like Game of Thrones could go on forever (but won’t, because it’s the most expensive show on TV) since there are an infinite amount of stories you could tell in George R.R. Martin‘s universe even after the characters we’re with now are all long dead and gone.

-For a hundred different reasons, I’d like to see the Miami Heat NOT win a third straight NBA title this season. Is that too much to ask, rest of the NBA? Can SOMEBODY step up to the plate here? Let’s have somebody in the Eastern Conference eliminate them before they even get to The Finals. THAT would be spectacular.

For now I’ll take Jeff Green of the Celtics beating the Heat at the buzzer on the road:

–I’d like to see Anthony Weiner make a face other than Disgraced Anthony Weiner Face. Or should we just call it Weiner Face? You know the one:

Seriously, is his face stuck like this now? On second thought, I’d like to never see Anthony Weiner’s face in public again. Oh, who am I kidding? He’ll have a show on MSNBC within a year.

-Finally, among other things, I’d like to see Katy Perry lying next to me in my bed when I wake up one morning. It’s the simple things.

I don’t feel like a closing statement is necessary for this post, so instead I say…good day to you! And stay with home your family and loved ones on Thanksgiving!